


Two Bros Chilling In A Closet

by Epsilon_Church



Series: Smut Fics [1]
Category: Red vs. Blue
Genre: Explicit Consent, Hand Jobs, M/M, No Plot/Plotless, Plot What Plot/Porn Without Plot, Temple of Procreation (Red vs. Blue), Very little dialogue, and idc if its IC, it not good, so here
Language: English
Status: Completed
Published: 2020-04-04
Updated: 2020-04-04
Packaged: 2021-02-28 20:15:28
Rating: Explicit
Warnings: No Archive Warnings Apply
Chapters: 1
Words: 1,667
Publisher: archiveofourown.org
Story URL: https://archiveofourown.org/works/23482978
Author URL: https://archiveofourown.org/users/Epsilon_Church/pseuds/Epsilon_Church
Summary: If Richard Simmons had to list the way he had envisioned his first actual sexual experience with anyone...Being trapped in a closet with Dexter Grif probably wouldn’t be anywhere near the top ten most hoped for.
Relationships: Dexter Grif/Dick Simmons
Series: Smut Fics [1]
Series URL: https://archiveofourown.org/series/1689448
Comments: 7
Kudos: 89





	Two Bros Chilling In A Closet

**Author's Note:**

> anyhow this shit was bouncing around in my drive for a while so here it is dexter grif and dick simmons have sex in a closet

If Richard Simmons had to list the way he had envisioned his first actual sexual experience with anyone...

Being trapped in a closet with Dexter Grif probably wouldn’t be anywhere  _ near _ the top ten most hoped for.

It wasn’t like they had done anything but… it was weird right? This was weird.

They were still just sitting in their armour, picking awkwardly at their faces and waiting for someone to come over and realize that they were trapped in a suffocatingly tight closet.

In their suffocatingly tight armour.

Simmons shook his head free of the feelings creeping up his spine and towards his reasoning centre. People had reasoning centres in their brain right? That's how that worked right?

Simmons was in the middle of mentally shuffling through his medical knowledge when Grif made an unusual sounding noise, drawing him out of his self induced comatose state.

" _ Fuck-" _

Grif, seemingly possessed by some kind of instinctive desire to strip, tore at latches holding the front of his chest plating. It didn't take him long to get his chest armour off - something Simmons would later deny being impressed by - and toss it to the ground.

"Grif!"

Simmons squeaked indignantly. 

"What are you doing?"

"It's fucking hot!"

Was it hot? Was this hot? Was Grif saying he was hot? Sure they had kissed before when things got boring in blood gulch but they hadn’t exactly talked about it! It was just something they did! They were just dudes who kissed once or twice or forty seven times. Did Grif think he was hot?

"I'm sweating more than usual and this damn armour isn't helping!"

Oh, right, he meant temperature wise. 

Simmons knew that.

  
  


Totally. 

It's totally not weird when Grif strips off his leg armourings and collapses back into his corner of the closet. It's  _ so _ totally not weird that Simmons is aware that Grifs bodysuit seems to be… tighter than usual in a certain area.

It's not weird. This isn't weird. They're just two bros in a closet five inches apart because they're not gay.

Simmons pats his own armour. It's not weird if he takes his off too, right?

Yeah, Simmons says to himself, it's not weird.

Simmons takes longer to get de-armoured than Grif - seriously, who taught him that? - but when he does finally free himself from his armour he sits back down, looking at Grif in a totally not weird way.

It's not weird.

This is so not weird.

"Oh!"

Caboose squeaks from somewhere outside the closet, audibly surprised.

Simmons looks to Grif.

Grif looks to Simmons.

Neither of them call for Caboose to unlock the closet.

It's not weird. 

They're just being two dudes in a closet avoiding what is probably a blood bath outside.

Two dudes with visible bulges in the front of their body suits, waiting out a blood bath.

"So-"

Simmons tries to say something totally not weird and totally normal.

"So."

Grif says back, totally normally.

Something Caboose sized bumps against the closet with a squeak.

"Oops-"

Grif and Simmons look at each other before both stifling laughter Simmons wasn't aware they were holding back.

"Is that  _ Caboose _ ?"

Grifs voice is tripping into the seventh dimension as he talks.

" _ I think it is!" _

Dexter Grif and Dick Simmons are definitely not laughing at the absolute absurdity of Caboose - audibly trying to figure out whatever it is that whoever is with him is trying to do - bumping into a closet that they happen to be sitting in. 

They're just laughing at how dumb this whole situation is!

The two of them laugh at nothing for a few minutes before trailing back off into uncomfortable silence.

"So."

Grif says stiffly.

"So."

Simmons says back.

"Do you want to-"

Grif begins, finally broaching the subject at hand. 

"Yeah."

Simmons says before he can stop himself.

"Thank god."

Grif moves surprisingly fast for someone his size, almost immediately pulling Simmons onto his lap. In any other context, Simmons probably would have made a quip about it, maybe something along the lines of  _ really, Grif, this is what gets you motivated? _

But he's pretty sure this isn't any other context.

Simmons groans as Grif squeezes his arm tightly, pulling their chests flush against one another. Grif makes a noise in response but it doesn't seem to mean anything. 

"Grif-"

Simmons begins, trying to formulate some kind of sentence.

"Simmons-"

Grif  _ moans _ .

Ah-  _ fuck _ that's not a sentence. Dexter Grif is  _ moaning _ .

Oh sweet  _ fuck _ .

Simmons, in a moment of bravery he's not sure he'll ever be able to call upon again, grabs Grifs face and smashes their lips together. It's not a good kiss, Grif bites him on instinct and their tongues keep hitting each other's teeth, but it's good enough.

"Body-suit…"

Grif pulls at the zipper running down from his belly to his crotch. Simmons figured the reasoning behind the zippers was likely in case someone needed to get quick access to their crotch but it wasn't until he found himself undoing his own zipper that he realized why someone might need to do that.

Simmons squeals as Grif works his hand down between them, finally managing to pull off his own zipper and tug himself free. In a matter of seconds both Simmons and Grif have freed their erections from their confining bodysuits and pressed their shafts close to each other.

_ Okay,  _ Simmons thinks _ , just two dudes with their dicks out _ .

Grif takes a second, seemingly processing what's happening for the first time.

"Oh-"

Grif shifts slightly so their dicks aren't pressed against one another so uncomfortably anymore. 

"Simmons-"

Simmons doesn't really formulate a proper response, he just makes a noise.

"You- okay?"

Grif murmurs to Simmons, awkwardly looking up at him.

Simmons nods, afraid that if he opens his mouth to speak he's just going to say something really stupid and virgin like.

"Good-"

Grif pulls Simmons back against him, nuzzling his head into Simmons neck as he once more presses their cocks together.

"Fuck-"

Simmons breathes as Grif trails his hand up their shafts. 

Grif doesn't waste time thinking about the logistics of jerking two differently sized dicks off at once - has he done this before? - instead he just drags his hand up and down their lengths, moaning loudly into Simmons neck.

Simmons would probably like to say he would have preferred some degree of formality - or even proper lubrication - but he doesn't care. All Simmons can think about is how it feels as Grif swipes his thumb over each of their slits in turn and uses their shared precum to lubricate his strokes.

Simmons grips Grifs thick black hair as tightly as he can, pulling his head tighter into his body.

If he's being honest with himself it's not even that good compared to good old fashioned masturbation. It's just dry frenzied stroking as he moans like a porn star into Grifs shoulder but  _ god damn is it making him feel good. _

"Simmons-"

Grif groans before removing his hand and licking his fingers. Normally, Simmons would complain about UTIs and how unsanitary it is to do so but in the moment Simmons can only buck his hips and moan for Grif to return his hand.

"Yeah-"

Grif pushes Simmons down, pressing his body flat against the cold hard closet ground.

"Are you okay?"

Simmons nods.

"Yeah, I'm alright."

And he is. It's a weird situation and he's desperately horny but in all honesty, Simmons is alright.

"Just keep going-"

"Can do."

Grif purrs before pressing their cocks together once more, this time thrusting himself slightly into each stroke. 

"Fuck-"

Simmons grabs onto Grifs body suit, yanking him down so he's on top of him in a much more personal way.

"F U c K-"

Grif buries his face into Simmons neck once more, biting lightly.

Simmons is probably making much more noise than he'd like to but he can't find it in himself to care.

"Faster!"

He chokes out.

"Yeah-"

Grif agrees before doing just that. 

It doesn't take much more to get Simmons spilling out onto his body suit. He comes with a loud and wet moan, thrusting against Grifs hand and cock as he rides it out.

"Simmons-"

Grif manages a few more strokes before he's pushed himself over the edge and onto Simmons.

It takes a few minutes for both of them to calm down.

"Gross-"

Simmons says finally, looking down at the mess of fluids staining his body suit.

"Don't be such a baby."

Grif sits back on his knees, tucking himself back into his - disgustingly untouched - body suit.

Simmons sputters angrily at Grif, swatting at him with his hand.

"GRIF! I don't have anything to clean this with!"

"Fine, fine."

Grif motions for him to lay back.

"Just relax."

Simmons does as he's told, awkwardly looping his fingers through his hair. What is he going to tell people? What are th-

Grif licks him.

"Grif!"

Simmons squeaks, looking down at Grif.

To Simmons abject horror AND delight, Grif trails his tongue up through the sticky mess of cum left on Simmons bodysuit 

"Grif-"

Simmons tries to speak again, trailing off as Grif easily cleans off the last of their shared fluids.

"Happy?"

Grif wipes his face with his sleeve, leaning back.

"Uh- Yeah-"

Simmons watches in amazement as Grif leans back against the wall, yawns and seemingly passes the fuck out.

_ Yeah _ , Simmons decides before tucking himself back in and leaning against Grifs stomach.  _ He is happy _ .

\--

Caboose wakes them up about two hours later by roughly yanking open the closet door.

Simmons, of course, panics.

“CABOO-”

Simmons cuts himself off, looking the brunette man up and down. 

He’s never seen Caboose without his armour before, let alone without a shirt.

“Caboose?”

Grif asks him as he sits up.

“What are you-?”

Caboose rubs at the back of his neck, unintentionally drawing attention to the hickeys lining his neck and collar bone.

“Hello!”

Grif looks at Simmons.

Simmons looks at Grif.

They both burst out laughing.


End file.
